This is a picture of my youngest son and I. Our other son is nine, and yes, we all sleep in the same room….every night… all of us (hubby too!)….and three dogs. Before you get out the pitchfork and torches, you will need all of the facts. First, our infant son sleeps in a co-sleeper, not in our bed, and hubby snapped this picture of us after nursing one night. So, baby J. does not sleep in our actual bed, but a co-sleeper attached to our bed. However, our nine-year-old does sleep at the end of our bed on a cot with one of the dogs, while the other two peek their heads our from underneath the cot.
Seven years ago we added on an addition to the back our small, 900 square foot house that included a kitchen, living room, half bath, and then our new bedroom, bathroom, and closet at the very back of the house. When our nine year old came home from Guatemala at four months-old he always slept in his crib. Our house was so small we could hear him as though he were right next to our bed. He would often come over in the middle of the night, and we both slept so soundly we would wake up and not even know he had climbed into bed with us.
Hubby is a nurse and worked second shift at the time while I worked first shift as a teacher, so when he was about three I started reading a bedtime story with him in our bed and we would both be asleep within minutes. Once we added on, we were over sixty feet away from our son’s room. He would wake up in the middle of the night terrified and come crying through the new section of the house. To put it bluntly, I didn’t want him to have to be afraid at night, so eventually I just started reading to him at night in our bed and we would both fall asleep. Hubby wouldn’t get home until midnight or later, so he would just crawl into bed with us.
Eventually we established a bedtime routine in his own room as he got older. However, he still came over in the middle of the night most nights. In time it became less and less important to us about where he started out sleeping, because he always ended up in our room anyways. The next deterrent was my son overhearing a conversation with my father and grandfather (my grandfather is a coroner in our local area) about how the man behind our house committed suicide by shooting himself. For months my son struggled with worry about whether or not someone might try to break in and hurt him just like the man who hurt himself behind our house. It was obvious that our son didn’t feel safe that far away from us.
Once I found out I was pregnant last year, we had just come off a 19 day cross country train/car trip, and none of us were settled into a nighttime routine so another year slipped by and he was still in our room. So when baby J. was born I wasn’t going to kick him out of our room and make him feel isolated.
One of my most important goals in life is that my children feel safe. I certainly don’t think my son will still be sleeping with us at thirteen years of age. Just like nursing, I’m sure he’ll wean himself out of our room and into his own room. I realize my son’s feelings of safety and nurturing are more important than other peoples’ opinions. After teaching for sixteen years, I’ve learned that kids who feel secure, safe, and loved perform much better academically too. My son comes from a two-parent household where his needs are met and he feels safe and loved. That is what is most important to my husband and to me as well.
Also, to answer your question, no it doesn’t affect our level of intimacy either (please note the kiddos aren’t in the room when that happens). Sex doesn’t have to be at the same place at the same time everyday, just in case you were wondering. We work around it, and it actually helps us be more creative and keeps our sex life interesting. We also have a regular date night too that we guard with our lives which gives us time to be alone together on a weekly basis too.
Now that baby J. is here, it’s even more important that we co-sleep because our doctor explained that co-rooming is a main preventer of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). You can read the full CDC article HERE. Our pediatrician explained that mothers have an innate ability to wake when their child stirs and monitor their child throughout the night. This is instinctive, and is helpful in monitoring whether a child is having difficulty breathing or not. I’m certainly not going to trust a monitor with my child sleeping over sixty feet away in my house. So, right now it looks as though he will be co-rooming with us as well.
As a mother who struggled with infertility for many years I’ve come to learn that so many people have so many opinions on different issues. I’ve decided to do what is best for my family, and in the meantime, I’ll never regret all the nighttime and morning cuddles and laughs.
Copyright: aetb / 123RF Stock Photo
Thank you for sharing. I also co-roomed with my child. I have an 19 year old who stayed with me in my room after my separation from his father at 2. He stayed until he was 9. He is a very independent man now and co-rooming with me only gave him the security he needed in a stressful time in both our lives.