So, I fell into the Braxton Hicks trap last night and ended up being checked on the maternity floor. Even though I had read extensively about how labor starts, and how Braxton Hicks work, I didn’t realize they could come every five minutes for well over an hour! I was in the car, and all of a sudden I started having a pain, and I totally was convinced that baby had shifted sides. He RARELY settles on my left side, but yesterday everything ended up in a place it had never been before, causing me pain that felt like he was kicking through my stomach wall! So, I called the doctor’s office to ask if they had tips for getting baby to change position.
I told the nurse how painful it was, and I had never really had pain with baby switching positions before, so she wanted to talk to the provider about it and give me a call back. Instead, she wanted me to go up and be checked, since I’m past 37 weeks now. Even I felt like it was a possible overreaction, but with this being my first pregnancy, I went anyways. Turns out I had been having contractions most of the day, which I thought were partial fetal movements. While I was only dilated one centimeter, they were coming regularly and clearly charting on the contraction monitor. I was sent home after about an hour and a half of monitoring, bloodwork, and a protein check.
After waking up again this morning with Braxton Hicks and having pain off and on throughout the day, I must admit, I’m a little more emotional than normal. I also started leaking the pre-breast-milk fluid, and so I know my hormones are obviously changing and doing what they are supposed to be doing!
Before I continue with this post, I want each reader to understand something. My son is adopted from Guatemala (he’ll be nine next month, and I love him more than anything in the world). However, I’ve always had a yearning to be pregnant….to carry a child in my womb, and yes, to even give birth. While I didn’t feel like I was missing out on parenting, I did want to know the feeling of a baby kicking inside at least once, or see what my belly would look like with new life. So, when we found out we were pregnant this year after sixteen years of marriage, I was ecstatic. I took each day as it came, celebrating, and even thanking God for the constant 24/7 nausea, knowing that I wanted so desperately to be pregnant. Read about our IVF Success!
My pregnancy has been fairly enjoyable with a few anxieties here and there, but overall, I have loved knowing my son is growing inside of me. This morning, for some reason I hit an emotional wall. I have really had a tough time with swelling all the way up my legs (not just ankles and feet), which make it extremely painful to walk. Also, I have carried my son very low the entire pregnancy, and have had constant round ligament pain from the very beginning. I takes a lot of pain for me to even take Tylenol (Since I’ve been pregnant I’ve taken it three times, and two of those times were for migraines, not aches or pains). So, even dealing with the feeling that he’s hanging from my pelvic muscles the entire pregnancy hasn’t concerned me too much.
So today when I was crying about the fact that I could not even fit into my maternity pants because I had gained so much weight from swelling, I lost it. I mean crying, blubbering, and the whole nine yards. The entire pregnancy I had gained about 25 pounds until two weeks ago when I started packing the fluid on with 1/2 to 1 lb. of weight gain PER DAY! So, now I’m hitting numbers I never expected to see, and had to make a decision this morning to let my body go.
I never really felt that my self-image was wrapped up in my weight (I’ve always been a comfortable 150-160lbs.). I also never really cared what other people thought about my weight. However, this morning, I just had this incredible feeling of being huge (does anyone else know what I’m talking about here?)! I had to buy granny panties that are 2 sizes larger than my normal and even those fit now! I am limited to two maternity dresses, and I miss my jeans (I LOVE wearing jeans!). I haven’t seen the inside of Target in four weeks, because I can’t walk on my swollen legs, and I’m literally eating everything in sight.
My faith has always been a huge part of my life (Read my story of the persistent widow!) , so I don’t generally rely on feelings. Today was just one of those days where the waterworks were turned on, and there wasn’t much I could do about it!
In the midst of all this physical turmoil, I looked at myself in the mirror today and realized, it’s still not about me. This pregnancy journey has never been about me, even from the beginning. It’s about that little life inside of me that I want to love, nurture, and parent. These extra pounds that aren’t water weight will be my war wounds. They’ll be a sign that I’ve loved more than I can ever love, and that our society with its images of famous mothers returning to pre-pregnancy weights are really unrealistic. These thoughts and attitudes are not my idols, and they aren’t what make me – me.
I’m choosing today to be beautiful because I’m bringing forth life, not because I have a bikini ready body. I will surrender this body to old age and eventually death, so do I want to miss the hope of new birth and the excitement of new life in worrying about the size of my underwear? No, today I will focus on the fact that last night, God allowed me to hear the heartbeat of my 37 week old baby, like the sound of a galloping of a horse, and that same sound will be my victory cry as I bring home my baby boy!
Hey girl, don’t even worry about the weight at all. What I am about to say may sound completely hypocritical but here goes. When I got pregnant with my first child I weighed in at 100 pounds. With him I gained 43 pounds total throughout the whole pregnancy. I mean imagine a toothpick trying to smuggle a watermelon here! And I look similar this time around too, and have gained almost as much. I have to say, I have had those days where I just feel fat, it sucks. It does, it takes your self esteem and squashes it like a bug. But then you’re like, “its fine, I can get through this”. And you pick up and go on, because that’s what we do. Its part of life, believe me if men could do this we’d all have to deal with so much more complaining! It would be horrible! So just remember, deep breaths, you can do it. And if you can do this, you can accomplish anything!