After teaching for almost 15 years, and several of those years at the middle school level, I can tell you that raising a teenager is not easy. I have had so many parents meet with me in tears saying that their child has never acted a certain way before. Many times I would bring tissues to parent meetings, because I knew someone would need them! I’m going to teach you all the tricks I’ve learned over the years, and hope they help you navigate these rough waters! Make sure to read to the END of the article for some of my secret tips!!
This is an age where you must develop great patience as a parent. One thing parents don’t get to see from a school perspective is how much anxiety students have at this age. Students are starting to define who they will become as an adult, and all the skills and tools you’ve built are now going to be put to good use. If you haven’t taken the time to start teaching your child these skills, it’s not too late. Many times life in our society is so busy we don’t think to teach our children some of the important skills they will need to be successful adults. However, if you’re a little behind in some areas, just make sure to display extra amounts of patience with your child as they learn these new skills.
Just a few examples of these skills are as follows:
- Relationship skills:
-How does your child interact with other children?
- Does your child now how to get along with other children. Do they know how to problem solve with their friends.
Example: If a friend feels left out, or is angry at another friend for something that was said.
-Do they know how to treat other children with compassion?
- This is the age where children start to realize that other children might have disabilities or learning difficulties. Have you taught your child how to be compassionate to these other children instead of judging them or making fun of them?
-Are they naive? Are they too trusting?
- It’s important that students who are environments where they might exposed to temptations or poor decisions need to be taught “street smarts” as teachers like to call it. We have seen many naive girls be taken advantage of by older boys.
- Coping skills:
-How does your child deal with anxiety and stress?
- Personally, I feel that teaching your child coping skills is the most important thing you can give them. It will help prevent so many behavior issues and bad choices. The main ways to help children cope with the anxiety and stress of this age is to make sure they are involved in sports and activities as an outlet for their stress. Exercise and developing non-academic skills can give students a chance to excel in other areas that they enjoy. Physical activity also allows their bodies to be physically relieved of emotional stress.
- Does your child have a trusted adult they can talk to about stressful issues? This could be a parent, or an older brother or sister, cousin, grandparent, youth worker, or counselor. It’s important that students learn how to express what they are feeling at an early age, because if they stuff their emotions, it will be more difficult for them to express them as they get older. Repressed emotions can often lead to risky behaviors as a way of letting out stress or coping.
Secret Tip #1: Develop trust with your child, but don’t be stupid.
I say this with tongue in cheek, because it’s such an important age to develop trust with your child. However, I’ve seen so many parents make the mistake of thinking that showing their children they trust them by letting them be in total control. An example of this is usually in the intimacy area. Teens are developing opposite sex relationships that will define the rest of their romantic lives. It’s so important that you help guide them through these murky waters. However, PLEASE do not fall into the trap of trusting your child alone with a person of the opposite sex. I’m going to seem extreme in this area.
A young cousin at a family picnic was discussing prom with me, after she attended her last senior prom last weekend. She proceeded to tell me how she couldn’t wait to get away from her high school, and how childish the students acted, which included one young couple actually having intercourse on the prom dance floor! Hormones are greatly fluctuating at this age, and you can’t take your child’s word for it that they will behave in this area. This is simply not true, and this is why I’m a huge proponent for teenager accountability in this area. This means forming opposite sex relationships by spending time in a group, or with a parent or adult present.
You know who finds this EXTREMELY difficult? Parents…. because we know as parents this takes a huge chunk of our time. It’s going to take a TON of time to make sure that your child is being held accountable in this area, and it can also be awkward for your child. However, your child is your responsibility until they are an adult at eighteen. I’m not saying that you should control your child’s behavior. I’m saying that you should explain to them what healthy behavior looks like, model it, and then hold them accountable for it. Do you want your son to treat his future girlfriends and wives with respect? Explain to him exactly what this looks like, from the way he talks to females, and how to handle his feelings while his hormones are raging.
Children are not cookie cutters, which means that they don’t all grow and develop at the same rate. Just because a child is eighteen does not mean that he/she could be an independent adult, living on their own. This is why developing trust is based on the needs of the child. There are other ways to show a child you trust them without letting them alone with the opposite sex or letting them drive in cars with a group of teenagers. (Please see our post about Allstate’s Drive it Home event to find out teen driving statistics, which are extremely eye opening). The risk of death for a child increases by a large percent for each additional teen in a car.
I’ve just seen so much devastation in families because a parent thought they “knew” their child. Just because your child has no history of risk-taking behavior, it doesn’t mean that one poor decision can’t affect the rest of their lives. Children are NOT cognitively ready to make adult decisions as a teen. Most studies show that students are able to make much better decisions at the age of twenty or older. Their brains have had more time to develop, and the area of the brain for decision making is much more developed in the twenties versus the teen years.
Also, showing them respect now is a way of developing trust in your child. Trust doesn’t mean them talking you into letting them do whatever they want. That is actually manipulative behavior on their part when they beg you to “just trust” them.
Secret Tip #2: Start talking about tough subjects at an early age.
Parents who do not talk about tough subjects with their children (and how to handle them) have a much harder time developing that dialogue once their children are older. The hardest part to developing these types of conversations isn’t just having the conversation, but listening to your child’s ideas without diminishing their opinions or preaching at them. Have your agenda in mind, but interject the principles you want your child to learn throughout the conversation and give them plenty of examples.
My grandfather was the coroner for 30 years, and after years of experience, he wouldn’t let me leave his driveway without wearing my seat belt. He explained to me how many teens he had to pronounce dead because they were ejected from their seat without wearing a seat belt. He gave me rational examples, and it really helped me understand, and to this day, I don’t go more than 50 feet in a vehicle without my seat belt.
This means tackling subjects like drugs, drinking, teen sex, pornography, and all the other things that aren’t good for kids (or most adults for that matter). Don’t wait to teach them about these subjects, because if you don’t, someone else will teach them for you.
Secret Tip #3. Spend quality time with your child.
Spending quality time with your kiddo is the absolute best way to get them “on your side” so to speak. If your kids enjoy spending time with you, they will be more likely to listen to you and respect you when you try to have those tough conversations we talked about earlier. So many of my students were left in the dust of their parents busy schedules, or were sacrificed on the altar of their parents other interests. Your child needs you almost more now than they did as a young child, when they had a babysitter.
Secret Tip #4: Make sure your expectations are realistic.
Remember how we discussed earlier that your child’s brain hasn’t developed fully? The frontal cortex does not develop fully until your child is in their twenties. So, even though certain judgements seem like common sense to you, they don’t to your child. Have you ever watched the You Tube videos where kids tried to swallow dry cinnamon? Kids think it’s funny, but it can actually lead to death if they aspirate cinnamon powder into their lungs. Obviously, common sense decisions aren’t as easy for children. Don’t assume that they know that certain behaviors are dangerous.
Set realistic guidelines for them, and stick to them. It’s very realistic to think that your child can be organized enough to go to school and clean their room on the weekends. However, if your child works a part-time job outside of school or participates in sports on weekends, they may have difficulty being organized enough to keep their room clean and meet all these other expectations. You may have to show them how to create a schedule and a to-do list!
Secret Tip #5: Teach your child how to communicate without fighting.
One of the best ways to teach your child how to have healthy adult relationships is by showing them how to communicate in a calm manner. Even though frustrations may flare, you need to set the example by not flying off the handle at them. Show them that even though you may be frustrated, you can keep composed and communicate your feelings of anger in a healthy way. This means starting statements with words like “When you say ___________, it makes me feel _______________. ” This is just one way to start modeling for them what it means to communicate in a healthy way. Also, remember that you will have to model it MANY, MANY times before they will be able to use it themselves!
Secret Tip #6: Have empathy.
Maybe you were the cool kid in school, who had no social or anxiety issues. Even so, there were still times where you probably felt anxious even if you were in the “in” crowd. Give as much empathy to your child as possible, and let them know you love them constantly no matter what anyone else says or thinks. If your child knows you understand them, care for them, and love them, they will go to school with more confidence.
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