Marriage: Ten Tips to Making It Last

This year I celebrated 15 years of marriage. There are very few things I’ve done for fifteen years in a row, so I do feel that I know a few things about staying married.  Each day I look in the newspaper, and the divorce column lists at least 4-5 couples that have decided to call it quits.  No one ever gets married expecting to find their divorce in the paper five, ten, or even thirty years later.  There are many ingredients to a healthy marriage, and we have ten tips today that will hopefully help you keep your love growing stronger everyday.

1. Don’t quit. This is my first and most important tip to give to any couple who wants to stay married. There will be times where you want to quit, give up, walk away, divorce, (maybe even contemplate murder- I’m totally kidding on this one- sort of!), etc.  This is a normal feeling to have at times in marriage, and you have to be willing to push past those feelings if you’re going to stay married.

Life does not bring any guarantees, and marriage is tough. If it wasn’t tough, they wouldn’t make you take a vow to stay married! However, life will throw curve balls like family issues, illness, money problems, varied goals, etc. These are all things that can make marriage seem long and arduous. However, if you allow them to be the sandpaper on your life, you will both become smooth stones eventually.

2. Change Your Attitude. I have a friend who only focuses on the negative in her marriage. “He never does this, he doesn’t do this, he won’t …..”  If this is your attitude, you might as well get off the marriage train before it starts. This type of attitude will NEVER make it to fifteen years.  You have to keep a positive outlook, and surround yourself with people who will help you have this positive outlook.  Many times I’ve had to walk away from friendships because a couple divorced and the partners had such a negative outlook about relationships that I had to end those friendships. It doesn’t pay to have others in your life who are going to drag you down. Stay positive and surround yourself with positive people.

3. Priority. Your marriage relationship should always be your number one priority. In our marriage we have always held our priorities as God, ourselves, our spouse, and our child – in that order. My hubby and I have always seen our marriage with God at the top angle, and he and I at the two bottom angles, working together towards God at the top as we grow.  There are so many things that can become a priority that overshadows marriage, and you have to be very careful to avoid these traps.

Things I’ve seen cause couples to get divorced when their spouse is not a priority:

• Making work a priority over marriage.
• Making family a priority over marriage.
• Putting money ahead of the marriage.
• Putting other relationships ahead of the marriage.
• Putting selfish wants ahead of the marriage. (These are just a few examples).

However, if you see your marriage falling into one of these categories, that does NOT mean that you need to divorce or that your marriage is on the rocks. All marriages go through dry, rough spells. The key to staying together is to never quit or give up!

 4. Accept Them.  It wasn’t until I had been married for about ten years that I realized I there were things about my spouse that I might never change.  I couldn’t believe how freeing it was when I figured out that I could love my husband for who he was, and it was ok that he wasn’t ever going to be a “prince charming.” The point was, he was my prince charming, flaws and all, and I needed to put on my love goggles so that I could focus on all the positive things about him! This also helps get rid of any negative thinking about your spouse!

5. Pray for Them. I have actually found myself face-down on the bedroom floor more than once crying out to God about my spouse.  These were some of our darkest days, and during those times, I couldn’t see how we could make it. However, God can take two very imperfect people and show them how to love unconditionally. During my times of prayer, I could hear from God and see things about my spouse that I couldn’t see at other times.

6. Don’t Flirt with Danger. It can seem so innocent at first. I’ve had several personal friends who had extremely inappropriate behavior with others, and once even led to the birth of a child from an affair.  These situations are tough, but please DON’T BE DELUSIONAL.  Anyone can fall into the temptation of cheating.   Everyone has a moment or two in life when a good looking stranger walks into a room. For a second, you can picture an entire life you could have. However, the truth is that those thoughts are delusional. That relationship will still need cared for and will require just as much work if not more than the one you are already in with your spouse. It’s NEVER worth it.

7. Grow Together. I married my husband at 20, and I was a totally different person now than I was then.  You may wake up one day and realize that you and your spouse have both changed into different people. However, don’t fear! That means that you learn to love each other for who you are now all over again. Make a list of all the things you love about your spouse now, and you will quickly see that your spouse still has awesome qualities, and maybe even has some new ones!

8. Look in the Mirror. I’m adding this tip because there are a select few people who are not able to step outside of themselves and see themselves for who they really are in reality.  Are you a spouse that constantly finds fault in your significant other. Do you constantly put them down? Do you think they need to change? I’m going to challenge you today. Maybe you need to be the one who changes first? Marriage is like a dance. If you step forward, and your spouse is used to you stepping back, it will take a few dance moves, but eventually your partner will see that your not moving in that direction anymore. Are you sarcastic? Stop it. Do you mention his/her weight? Stop it.  Sometimes you need a wake up call that maybe YOU are being the jerk (I can say that, because I’ve been there.).  Looking in the mirror is the first step in effective change, because you can only change yourself.

9. Laugh. Often.  One of my husband’s greatest qualities is his laugh.  His laugh still makes me laugh, even from across a room. We like to kid, joke, and have fun. Sometimes you need to lighten up to remember why you loved someone in the first place. If you’re too busy focusing on the negatives in your marriage, then you’re not HAVING fun! Just remember, your version of fun may be different from theirs, so do something that THEY would think is fun.

10. Forgive. While this should be one of the first tips, I saved it for last because it’s like fine wine. It gets better as you grow older. When you know that your married to someone who can forgive your mistakes, you know you’ve found a partner for life.  Staying married is going to require a lot of forgiveness, because we all make mistakes. No one is exempt, and if you’re narcissistic enough to believe that your perfect, then you need more than this article to help you.  I am so thankful that I have a spouse who can love me for who I am, and forgive me when I’m wrong. This is why I know we’re meant for each other.