I really don’t know where to begin with this part. Let me back up a few years to May 6, 2009. This was the day of my weight loss surgery or as I fondly call it, “The Change.” Everything changed in my life from that day forward. It was time for me to admit I was powerless over food and at 304 pounds that morning, I had to change. The next few months were so incredibly difficult between healing from the gastric bypass surgery itself, the zero appetite, and the overwhelming anxiety of asking myself, “what did I do?”
And by anxiety, I mean a full blown diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. Just writing this article has given me some symptoms that I still live with almost on a daily basis. My heart is racing, my thoughts are all over the place, and my legs are tingling and a little numb. Usually at this point, I lay down and do some breathing exercises and try to calm my thoughts. But, I have to write this now.
Losing so much weight so quickly was exhilarating. Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing it in a healthy way and that wasn’t by choice. My anxiety and fears took over and the words from the doctors of “you can never have that again…” plagued me to the point of dehydration and severely malnourished. I went for a period of time only being able to drink unsweetened iced tea and keeping it down eventually became a struggle. I couldn’t drink protein shakes because they made me gag at even the sight of them. I tried to eat softer foods and small bowls of soups. Nothing stayed down, not even all the crushed vitamins I was supposed to be taking every day. All of this ended me back in the hospital and I left twelve days later with a feeding tube. The recovery from that surgery left me bed ridden and in so much pain for weeks. I had to feed myself liquid nutrition drinks through the tube and even my medications had to be inserted that way. I did all of this alone. The husband and step kids basically stayed away while I was so sick. Yes, I was alone.
My food addiction that temporarily filled a hole in my heart was no longer possible. About a year later, I discovered drinking alcohol filled my soul and I didn’t feel alone anymore.
Read Part One of This Series: “I Remember the Morning”
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