I’ll never forget sitting in the soft leather chair at the doctor’s office at the infertility clinic, and him explaining that we would never have any children without completing the in vitro process. I remember coming home with a feeling of dread and hopelessness. It was like someone had died, my child had died, or the child I was never going to have had already passed away. It was hard to put words to my grief, and my husband and I were both in shock for several years. We had just gotten married 2-3 years before, and we were so excited about starting a family. Read more about my infertility story and IVF success.
I really was never fond of pain, so the idea of never going through labor didn’t really bother me. However, all I could think about were birthday parties, picnics, and school events that would never take place. Those days were long and I’m sure there were many times where my husband or I could have walked away from our marriage considering how much grief we were facing. I’ve often wondered if it was the same feeling for those who have lost an actual child. Either way, the pain was unbearable and many days I didn’t want to get out of bed.
The thought of in vitro or adoption was so expensive, and we weren’t from wealthy families, so I knew it would take several years for us to save the money to complete either process. The money amounts alone were enough to make me want to head screaming in the opposite direction. I had some faith, but hadn’t gone through as many life experiences as I have now, and struggled with doubt on a daily basis.
When we went to our church, our pastor told us to head in whatever direction we felt the Lord leading. Our church wasn’t again in vitro, however, when we explained how much it cost (without a financial guarantee), well-meaning parishoners told us we should become foster parents. There were so many children needed homes, and maybe that was God’s plan for us. Can I tell you that is the worst thing you can say to an infertile couple. That’s basically telling them that God is punishing them because they seem like they can handle it. Just don’t do it.
In early 2005 I was praying about IVF versus adoption. We started the journey towards IVF with lots of doctors visits, ultrasounds, bloodwork, and injections. I was getting close to ordering my IVF meds, and started feeling a tug on my heart about adoption. What if there was a child God needed us to raise? What if I was heading in my own direction instead of letting God lead, and that child would miss out on a lifetime of love?
I had ordered a free DVD from America World, and the one DVD included Stephen Curtis Chapman’s story of adopting his little girls from China. I was instantly in love with the idea of having a baby from another country. However, I didn’t want to spend my entire life in a fishbowl or have my child feel “different.” I prayed every night for several weeks for the Lord’s directions about whether to adopt or complete the IVF cycle we had started.
It finally came to a head one night around 1:40 a.m. when I was up with insomnia. I couldn’t sleep, and at the time we only had a satellite with Christian programming. I was watching Oral Roberts preach, and at the end he said they had a 24-hour prayer line. I was desperate and really just needed someone to talk to! I called the number and the lady prayed with me over the phone, and it was a beautiful prayer. I hung up and it was now 2:00a.m. and the shows were changing to James Robinson’s daily talk show. His first words were, “Today our special guest is Mary Beth Chapman talking about why you should adopt.” I knew instantly that this was my word from the Lord! He definitely answered quickly after my prayer. Nine months later, my son came off the plane from Guatemala, and he’s been my boy ever since.
However, during those nine months of paperwork, home studies, and classes I still struggled with “what if” thoughts. What if this didn’t go through? What if we never saw a child come to our home even after all this work, money, and suffering. We had a local adoption agency completing our home study, but the foreign agency was working with Larry & Claire Boggs at Eagles Nest in Guatemala. We knew this was the orphanage where I child would come home from, and we already loved the Boggs, since their daughter also helped us through much of the process.
I’ll never forget the day the email arrived with his picture. This was before high-speed internet, and for twenty minutes, I could only see his forehead. Every ten minutes or so we’d see a little more, then a little more. It was sort of like going through our own version of the birth process.
Once we had his whole picture, we printed it out and took it to all of the grandparents and showed it to them. Everyone was so excited, but now the real waiting began. I was so distressed at times during the four months it took for him to come home. What if he wasn’t being held enough? What if the orphanage workers didn’t talk to him enough? I’m sure God was so tired of me by the end of the adoption process.
Since my husband had already started nursing school, we were not able to travel. His advisors told him if he was gone for the two weeks going in-country would require, he would have to quit the program and start over. So we decided to have our son escorted home, and that added on an extra two (very long, very miserable) weeks.
The day finally arrived when our son was ready to come home, and we drove down to BWI with sixteen other family members to greet our son. We went out for dinner and the plane was to arrive shortly after our meal. We trekked across the airport to our gate and waited…. and waited… and waited. Finally people started coming down the ramp, and even several people stopped to tell me how beautiful my son was, and they loved sharing the plane ride with him. They also stopped to watch us meet our son for the first time.
I finally saw Larry Boggs coming down the hallway with our son in a papoose on the front of his chest. I will never forget every detail about those moments. How we pulled him out of the carrier. How I couldn’t cry because I was so excited and happy. Our family snapped photos and we were kind enough to let a few of the other people hold him, even though we were just pining to get him back in our arms.
I think the worst part was the two-hour car drive home where he was in his car seat and I couldn’t hold him! When we finally arrived home I sat in the rocker in his nursery and just held him for as long as possible. I knew eventually we had to go to sleep, but I wanted to just hold him all night long. I did eventually put him in his basinet, but you can imagine how hard it was to sleep.
That was over ten years ago now. Adoptions in Guatemala are shut down now, and there are over ten children who never found their forever families. They live at Eagles Nest with Larry & Claire Boggs and their family. Even though we went on to have a child by birth (Read my story about the Prayer of the Persistent Widow) nothing will ever, ever take the place of my son. He is my everything, and fills my day with joy and so much love. I am so glad we decided to have him first, and I know that he was meant to be in our family at exactly the right time.
It is really important that people understand that we did not save our son. Our son saved us. Even though Hispanic people would even come up to us and tell us “lucky baby” because they knew his citizenship was guaranteed, he wasn’t lucky – we were. Even though people asked rude questions like “How much did that cost” or “Where did you get that money?” – we have known all along that we are family. There is no dollar amount or price tag that can be put on a parent’s love for their child. He is ours, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to raise my son.
Please know that if you are struggling with infertility, or thinking about adoption, you can always reach out to us by commenting below.
Leave a Reply